Resources for healing
Give yourself Grace, be patient with yourself. Stay busy only when you feel up to it but have daily time alone as well. Learn to say NO. Let it be OK to cry and scream and crumble. Let yourself feel your grief and when you are ready be willing to accept any and all help.
Questions: you can question God why but do not question his authority in your life. You will have questions and may find answers but at the end of the day you need to be ok with no answers.
God will meet you in the valley, only He can pull you through (not out) the grief process.
Ride the wave- Grief will come in waves, hurricane size or nice rolling ones. Allow yourself to go with the grief. If you push it down, it will come out in other ways such as anger, bitterness, and impatience.
Keep life quiet, you need time to yourself in order for your brain to heal from the trauma. Snuggle and care for your beloved family pets or your child's pets. Sometimes just having music on is too much, turn it off, sit in the quiet.
If music is your go to for relaxing and healing, fill your house, shower, or car with uplifting music. If it is praise music, play it and eventually your heart will feel it again.
Spend time with those who are willing to listen and talk with you about your loved one and share your story as often as you feel comfortable.
Plan your grief: schedule a time to reflect, cry, or yell. I use my lunchtime on Mondays (the day our son left us) if at work to sit in the work garden to do this.
Place pictures of your loved one around your home from the happiest times of your lives together
Go to the happy place those pictures represent and know that your child is with you.
Journaling is great and gives you something to look back upon and recognize your progress moving forward. This can be free form or a gratitude journal. Put your grief in words. Write down your dreams, those lost and new ones. Write letters to your child and to a higher power.
Spend time in prayer and meditation: this can take on many forms: meditation classes, yoga, sitting in a quiet room, walking in nature, going for a hike or jogging, biking, gardening (create a Memorial Garden)- anything in nature as a way to find your peace. Know that your child has found their peace in the arms of God.
Find a Grief Counselor, EMDR therapy for PTSD/trauma of
sudden loss - find a practitioner who specializes in and is
trained in this in your geographical area. There is no shame in talking with a preacher or therapist. They offer safe places to question, cry (I have paid for an hour of crying), voice your fears and concerns.
Find a Helping Parents Heal group: In person grief groups may be too much too soon. Online groups are a safe way to talk with others or just read what they say. I have found them to be helpful when I thought I was going crazy or grieving abnormally. I was not. There is no right way to grieve.
Find something that makes you feel passionate, like you are living with purpose, and pursue it.
Did it before, do it still: one of the best pieces of advice I got was keep doing what you once loved. I will be honest- it will be hard. It will not bring joy or happiness right away, but it will keep you sane. I love to garden. Eventually, seeing flowers grow with my nurturing was healing to me. I created an Eli garden, a way to bring beauty from ashes. My husband loves to fish, and it brings him peace.
Online Facebook support groups: I have found them helpful (there are many so take your time to find one that fits you): Families dealing with suicide, the next chapter. Helping parents heal-Moving forward after suicide. Warning: reading about others grief can you bring you down because you are walking through their grief. Know that it may seem like no one heals but this is a non-judgmental platform shared with others that know your journey. They are a safe place.
Online sermons found on You Tube: Tony Evans, he lost his wife and speaks on the topic of losing a loved one. Rick and Kay Warren lost a son to suicide and speaks on the loss through testimonies and sermons. Toby Mac lost a son and speaks and sings about this.
Time: You may find yourself with more time on your hands than you want. The time we spend loving on our loved ones leave a big hole when they are gone. Use your time wisely: pray and mediate, find yourself again, use your experience and grief for something good (such as Out of the Darkness walk for Suicide Awareness). Grief will not always define you but it will shape you.
Memory Jar: Fill a jar with memories. Written memories that you can go to and reflect on when the wave of grief is strong or when you need a smile. Encourage family and friends to write down their memories. Let the love for your loved one show and overflow your memory jar.
Leave it to God: Like the memory jar but write out your why questions, put your grief into words. Pray and leave it there with God. If you need to look at the written words again, I pray you see progress. The why will most likely never be answered but keeping asking until you are satisfied with not knowing or accepting what you do know.
This list could go on forever and will you find your own path as you continue on this not chosen journey. Above all, know you are not alone and the person sitting next to you or down the street may be on the same journey.
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My husband and I were standing in the middle of the bookstore two weeks after Eli left us. We were broken and embarrassed to ask where the grief section was. Truthfully, if I said those words out loud, I would have broken down in the middle of the store. I have complied a list of books that you can find on Amazon or at a bookstore. The list will grow as my journey gets longer but for now here is a starting point.
When you are ready to read:
*The Bible- scripture is healing
Healing after loss by Martha Hickman- a daily 1–2-minute daily devotional
Through a season of grief by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard- a devotional put together with Grief Share
Choosing Joy by Kay Warren- you may feel like you will never feel joy again. Kay discusses where joy comes from and how it can be yours again
Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba
*Dying to be free by Beverly Cobain and Jean Larch*
Gives a wonderful understanding into the suicidal mind, read when ready, it can bring up a lot of emotions
My son My son by Iris Bolten
Bruised and Wounded by Ronald Rolheiser
*Healing with David Kessler podcast/grief.com* He is a grief counselor and has suffered the loss of a son due to accidental overdose. He is insightful and practical with his advice.
Life after death by Tony Cooke
Fear Gone Wild by Kayla Stoecklein
It is her journey with her husband through anxiety and depression and that ultimately ended with her husband dying by suicide. Since he was an adult, he was able to tell her things my Eli could not and did help me understand his state of mind better.
Rebuliding Beautiful by Kayla Stoecklein
Her second book. It has the understanding and compassion while encouraging rebuilding your life.
A Chronicle of Grief -Finding life after traumatic loss by Mel Lawrenz
I could not read this one right away. It covers what they learned and went through the first two years of their daughter passing. Now that I am 14.5 months out it is very relatable.
There are many books out there on grief. Take what can help you and leave the rest.