On this side of heaven

Losing a loved one, especially to suicide, is one of the hardest things a person can go through. You will never get over it. But how do live through it? How do find the will to survive when quite frankly there are times you want to die?

I will attempt to put into words how Erick and I are still here. Yes, we have five beautiful children and five grandchildren. But when Eli left us, a piece of us went with him. We have a missing piece in our hearts that will never mend, and we are shattered. For awhile, we lived for the children, grandchildren, and family. We did not want this to turn into a family tragedy. We are discovering that every morning we wake up we have still have a purpose. We are trying to find meaning out of his death. I refer it to beauty from ashes, hence The Eli Project.

We had our dark days, and we have many years ahead of us. How do you recognize your grieving is a warning sign? There are some red flags. If you see them in yourselves or those around you, please do not hesitate to call for help. The suicide prevention line is 988! 

Here are some warning signs:

*Not being able to engage with family 

*Not eating/drinking

*Feeling hopeless

*Thinking family would be better off without you

*The desire to be with your loved one turns into thoughts of suicide and you make a plan

This is hard, it takes time (a lifetime) to learn to live without them, but I was told this and now I am accepting this, "He wanted us to live for him, to have the life his depression and anxiety stole from him.". NOT easy to do but if I wake up every morning it must be true.

There is no shame in getting counseling or using prescribed medication to find your new normal bearable. 

I feel like I am rambling, sorry. I just want to impress on you, you are still here. Yes, we want to be with our loved one and one day we will. But until then, live each day for them. I am starting to understand that, but I believe Eli wanted us to live, love, and be brave. I will share later how we know this. But tonight, or today, whenever you read this, take a deep breath and tell your loved one you love them and pray for a direction for the day. Prayer gives us legs to walk on this side of heaven.