The Eli Project
you are not alone
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance
Ecclesiastes 3:4
About Us
The Eli Project- Rebuilding our lives from sudden loss while reaching out to others.
Hello. We are Erick and Susan Boyer. The Eli Project was born out of the loss of our son, Elijah. On May 2, 2022, at 5:45 pm our lives changed forever. Elijah was gone- death by suicide. The shock and grief changed our lives, the lives of his five siblings and family. We were immediately surrounded by family and friends.
After the services were done, life returned to normal. Not so much for us. The quiet of the house, the waves of grief, and all the unanswered why's left us searching for those who understood the depth of our loss.
We want to be there for others that have suffered this loss, also. The quiet will come and it is deafening. The mission is to connect and let you know- You are not alone.
We live in northern Georgia, but grief does not know boundaries. While The Eli Project will be hands on in our community, community can be found here, also.
If you are hurting and need an ear, a prayer, or to read an encouraging word, we are here. Please reach out. This site will evolve as we go through- not get over-grieving our son.
We have resources for you now: Early days- How to Begin Healing and Reading resources. Please contact us by email and we will gladly get them to you.
Resources for healing
Give yourself Grace, be patient with yourself. Stay busy only when you feel up to it but have daily time alone as well. Learn to say NO. Let it be OK to cry and scream and crumble. Let yourself feel your grief and when you are ready be willing to accept any and all help.
Questions: you can question God why but do not question his authority in your life. You will have questions and may find answers but at the end of the day you need to be ok with no answers.
God will meet you in the valley, only He can pull you through (not out) the grief process.
Ride the wave- Grief will come in waves, hurricane size or nice rolling ones. Allow yourself to go with the grief. If you push it down, it will come out in other ways such as anger, bitterness, and impatience.
Keep life quiet, you need time to yourself in order for your brain to heal from the trauma. Snuggle and care for your beloved family pets or your child's pets. Sometimes just having music on is too much, turn it off, sit in the quiet.
If music is your go to for relaxing and healing, fill your house, shower, or car with uplifting music. If it is praise music, play it and eventually your heart will feel it again.
Spend time with those who are willing to listen and talk with you about your loved one and share your story as often as you feel comfortable.
Plan your grief: schedule a time to reflect, cry, or yell. I use my lunchtime on Mondays (the day our son left us) if at work to sit in the work garden to do this.
Place pictures of your loved one around your home from the happiest times of your lives together
Go to the happy place those pictures represent and know that your child is with you.
Journaling is great and gives you something to look back upon and recognize your progress moving forward. This can be free form or a gratitude journal. Put your grief in words. Write down your dreams, those lost and new ones. Write letters to your child and to a higher power.
Spend time in prayer and meditation: this can take on many forms: meditation classes, yoga, sitting in a quiet room, walking in nature, going for a hike or jogging, biking, gardening (create a Memorial Garden)- anything in nature as a way to find your peace. Know that your child has found their peace in the arms of God.
Find a Grief Counselor, EMDR therapy for PTSD/trauma of
sudden loss - find a practitioner who specializes in and is
trained in this in your geographical area. There is no shame in talking with a preacher or therapist. They offer safe places to question, cry (I have paid for an hour of crying), voice your fears and concerns.
Find a Helping Parents Heal group: In person grief groups may be too much too soon. Online groups are a safe way to talk with others or just read what they say. I have found them to be helpful when I thought I was going crazy or grieving abnormally. I was not. There is no right way to grieve.
Find something that makes you feel passionate, like you are living with purpose, and pursue it.
Did it before, do it still: one of the best pieces of advice I got was keep doing what you once loved. I will be honest- it will be hard. It will not bring joy or happiness right away, but it will keep you sane. I love to garden. Eventually, seeing flowers grow with my nurturing was healing to me. I created an Eli garden, a way to bring beauty from ashes. My husband loves to fish, and it brings him peace.
Online Facebook support groups: I have found them helpful (there are many so take your time to find one that fits you): Families dealing with suicide, the next chapter. Helping parents heal-Moving forward after suicide. Warning: reading about others grief can you bring you down because you are walking through their grief. Know that it may seem like no one heals but this is a non-judgmental platform shared with others that know your journey. They are a safe place.
Online sermons found on You Tube: Tony Evans, he lost his wife and speaks on the topic of losing a loved one. Rick and Kay Warren lost a son to suicide and speaks on the loss through testimonies and sermons. Toby Mac lost a son and speaks and sings about this.
Time: You may find yourself with more time on your hands than you want. The time we spend loving on our loved ones leave a big hole when they are gone. Use your time wisely: pray and mediate, find yourself again, use your experience and grief for something good (such as Out of the Darkness walk for Suicide Awareness). Grief will not always define you but it will shape you.
Memory Jar: Fill a jar with memories. Written memories that you can go to and reflect on when the wave of grief is strong or when you need a smile. Encourage family and friends to write down their memories. Let the love for your loved one show and overflow your memory jar.
Leave it to God: Like the memory jar but write out your why questions, put your grief into words. Pray and leave it there with God. If you need to look at the written words again, I pray you see progress. The why will most likely never be answered but keeping asking until you are satisfied with not knowing or accepting what you do know.
This list could go on forever and will you find your own path as you continue on this not chosen journey. Above all, know you are not alone and the person sitting next to you or down the street may be on the same journey.
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My husband and I were standing in the middle of the bookstore two weeks after Eli left us. We were broken and embarrassed to ask where the grief section was. Truthfully, if I said those words out loud, I would have broken down in the middle of the store. I have complied a list of books that you can find on Amazon or at a bookstore. The list will grow as my journey gets longer but for now here is a starting point.
When you are ready to read:
*The Bible- scripture is healing
Healing after loss by Martha Hickman- a daily 1–2-minute daily devotional
Through a season of grief by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard- a devotional put together with Grief Share
Choosing Joy by Kay Warren- you may feel like you will never feel joy again. Kay discusses where joy comes from and how it can be yours again
Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba
*Dying to be free by Beverly Cobain and Jean Larch*
Gives a wonderful understanding into the suicidal mind, read when ready, it can bring up a lot of emotions
My son My son by Iris Bolten
Bruised and Wounded by Ronald Rolheiser
*Healing with David Kessler podcast/grief.com* He is a grief counselor and has suffered the loss of a son due to accidental overdose. He is insightful and practical with his advice.
Life after death by Tony Cooke
Fear Gone Wild by Kayla Stoecklein
It is her journey with her husband through anxiety and depression and that ultimately ended with her husband dying by suicide. Since he was an adult, he was able to tell her things my Eli could not and did help me understand his state of mind better.
Rebuliding Beautiful by Kayla Stoecklein
Her second book. It has the understanding and compassion while encouraging rebuilding your life.
A Chronicle of Grief -Finding life after traumatic loss by Mel Lawrenz
I could not read this one right away. It covers what they learned and went through the first two years of their daughter passing. Now that I am 14.5 months out it is very relatable.
There are many books out there on grief. Take what can help you and leave the rest.
Local resources
Local Resources
~Grief Share (adults)
Website: www.griefshare.org
Currently at: First Baptist Cumming at 1597 Sawnee Drive Cumming GA
First Redeemer Church at 2100 Peachtree Parkway in Cumming GA
Waypoint Baptist Church at 829 Atlanta Highway in Cumming GA
Creekside United Methodist Church at 673 Peachtree Parkway Bldg A in Cumming GA
~Bereavement Group
First Presbyterian Church at 800 S. Enota Drive in Gainesville GA (770-297-1970)
~Good Grief Support Group
United Hospice of Gainesville at 700 S. Enota Ave Suite 101 in Gainesville GA (770-533-4505)
~Family Ties
270 Carpenter Drive NE Suite 400 in Sandy Springs GA (678-460-0345)
~Survivors of Suicide local chapter
www.cumminggeorgissos@gmail.com
~Whisper
hearthewhisper.com
A movement started in schools by peers to reach out to those who feel excluded. The site offers videos and information that could be helpful.
~Grief Share (adults)
Website: www.griefshare.org
Currently at: First Baptist Cumming at 1597 Sawnee Drive Cumming GA
First Redeemer Church at 2100 Peachtree Parkway in Cumming GA
Waypoint Baptist Church at 829 Atlanta Highway in Cumming GA
Creekside United Methodist Church at 673 Peachtree Parkway Bldg A in Cumming GA
~Bereavement Group
First Presbyterian Church at 800 S. Enota Drive in Gainesville GA (770-297-1970)
~Good Grief Support Group
United Hospice of Gainesville at 700 S. Enota Ave Suite 101 in Gainesville GA (770-533-4505)
~Family Ties
270 Carpenter Drive NE Suite 400 in Sandy Springs GA (678-460-0345)
~Survivors of Suicide local chapter
www.cumminggeorgissos@gmail.com
~Whisper
hearthewhisper.com
A movement started in schools by peers to reach out to those who feel excluded. The site offers videos and information that could be helpful.
Eli's Story
Elijah Brandon was welcomed into the world on June 7, 2007. The first day of summer. Five siblings, aunts and uncles, and grandparents were awaiting his arrival. Eli lived in the Midwest, next to a cornfield until he was 11. Eli was a normal little guy who loved baseball, swimming, riding bikes, and playing Xbox. The move to Georgia was an adjustment but he handled it well. He enjoyed the new life adventures of four-wheeling, hiking, boating, and beach trips.
Then things started to change the summer before 7th grade. He started to criticize himself more. Peer's opinions met more than mom and dad. From the outside, he looked like a normal kid dealing with the "joys" of puberty. But on the inside, Eli was internalizing every failure no matter how small. He believed every strike out lost the game even though we pointed out he was not the only one. He believed his friends tolerated him but in truth they were there for him and were crushed when he was gone. He measured himself against others academically. If he didn't get the highest grade, he failed (he got B's). He felt he had to be funny so his friends would not see his struggle. He knew he was loved by his family but after three years of negativity my child was having full blown anxiety attacks and heading into major depressive disorder. Of course, we prayed for healing, we did counseling, he journaled, we listened every time he talked, we held him. We tried to protect him from the torment his mind was going through. We used the tools we had in our toolbox, but we didn't know he was suicidal. He kept that to himself.
Eli described his last six months as physically feeling the depression entering his body. He slept as much as he could. He would say his social battery was dead. When that wore off, he would have insomnia, could not concentrate, and his mind raced to the point of a migraine.
In his journal found after his death, he said he was consumed with the thought of escaping through death. Eli had a breaking point on
April 29th. His mood was different and would not talk about it. Then on Monday, May 2, 2022, he made the decision to escape his pain by taking his life. His pain was passed onto us and his siblings, but his mind was not clear and felt this was the only way out.
Why tell his story? Because suicide is a hidden illness. What we see as parents of our child coming into his own could be misfiring in their brain. I tell his story because as parents we need to ask the hard questions. The how are feeling about life? question. The do you want to die? question.
I know you are here most likely reading this because you have a lost a loved one to this mental illness. Like you, I searched for someone who understood the new normal. Like you, I am more aware of those around me. I want to make sure the family and friends that make up my life are okay. Like you, I search for answers, take comfort he is with God, and wish I had a time machine.
Eli's timeline was short: Welcomed into my arms on June 21, 2007. Baptized on June 14, 2015. Welcomed into Heaven on May 2, 2022. Though short, we pray his life will always be remembered.
Our journey through the grief
The hardest journey we will have to take began on May 2, 2022. We are not experts or grief counselors. But we are two parents walking a path that no one should walk alone. We walk this path in faith. We could have ditched our faith out of anger, how dare God let this happen. But if we took God out of the picture, our son was still gone, and we would have no hope. God did not put us on this path, but He is the only one that can lead us through this grief. In this section, I will share some of the things we did that has helped us to get to this point. The tears still flow. I know my limit on how many pictures to look at. The reality has set in, but we are still standing. God may have you Heaven, but we carry you in our hearts.
The first week
The days blended into another. Planning the services took up a lot of time. My children came in from the Midwest and I busied myself with taking care of them, so I thought. The reality was prayers, the children and friends carried us. The only words I had were tears. Psalm 56:8 states: "You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in your Book?" (NKJV). A friend of Eli's put it this way: "Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can't speak". Beautifully said. But I was able to pray and write this letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
My son, my papoose is with you now
Too soon for my heart
I was not done being his mom
Here are some instructions 'till I get there
Tell him is beautiful, wonderfully made, and worthy every day
Hug him even if he rolls his eyes
Cover him with prayers of peace and joy
Ask him about his day so he knows his world matters
Tuck him in with his favorite blanket (the soft one)
Have plenty of cereal for his late-night snacks
Look into his eyes and tell him morning, noon, and night he is loved
Hold my son until I can
The second week
I remember crying a lot. This is when the why got to me, so I searched for any information. The reading list will be a great resource when you are ready. Doing the basics was my goal, eat, drink, shower, and take medicine. You need to take care of yourself first. If you don’t, you will not have the strength to care for others. Treat yourself like you treat your best friend!
The third week
The thought of you not being here was settling in. It settled into the deepest part of my soul. I have never felt an ache so deep. The thoughts of wanting to be with you instead of here were getting more frequent. I will be honest; it was a struggle some days. If someone offered me a magic pill that would take me to you, I would have taken it. But then I realized I need to be thankful for what I have. We have five healthy adult children, five grandbabies, and our mothers and siblings. A huge part of us went with Eli. A part that will not be whole until we are reunited. Even knowing that, the desire to have you back was overwhelming. What are some ways to release the emotions without creating another tragedy? Journal, get those feelings out. Talk, sometimes just saying it out loud will make you rethink your decision. Pray, yes God allowed this tragedy, but He is the only one who knows why. Though you may feel angry, life has no purpose, you still woke up today, so you have a purpose.
*When you left you took a part of mom and dad with you...
The best parts I fear...
What is left is mom and dad...
Sad, broken and searching for our path...
Time will heal
Family love will put us back together...
But we won't be the same...
A far-off look with thoughts of you
Wishing you were here on our adventures...
We won't act the same...
A little more fearless...
Much more appreciative of every little thing.
The pieces of our hearts don't perfectly fit...
God's strength and love will fill in the gaps.
When you left...
You left behind your love, memories, empathy for others...
Those things will give us strength until the day...
We hold you in heaven...
Our hearts missing piece.
One month
I had to go back to work. It was not easy. My husband was not able to for six months. I was lucky and had support and great co-workers. But I started off slow and did not do extra shifts. I cried a lot in the bathroom but I got through it. I noticed I would shake and have anxiety walking off the elevator to start my shift. I was having separation anxiety from my husband, from my safe zone, and the place I felt the closest to my son. We were getting used to the new normal: dinner for two, no more drives to school, and the QUIET. We turned to our faith to for answers, for strength, and for understanding. I pray you have a good support system but if not find your person you can rely on to be there. A person that will not turn away as you talk about your loved one. If you have a spouse, you may not be grieving the same way. I referred to it as parallel grieving. We took turns being strong for each other. I focused on my "Eli" garden and husband lost himself in watching you tube fishing videos and fishing.
Six months
The mental fog began to lift. The reality of that person not being there is overwhelming. I had started Elijah's Garden Facebook page to have a healing place for my thoughts. My memories of Elijah would pop up at random times. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I smiled. Your thoughts will drift to memories and the details of their death will not be so prominent in your thinking. You may wonder why others did not remember that it had been six months. I know I did. Life moves on and if you are "living" your new norm, others may think you are okay. Just remember it is ok "not to be ok". I planted more flowers in his garden on the six month anniversary. Find a way to remember your love one and try not to focus that you were the only one who remembered.
Eight months
It has been the longest eight months and the shortest. I still see Eli in the kitchen the night before he died getting cereal and laughing with his friends. I thought, oh good we have turned the corner, I was wrong. Thanksgiving was hard and the empty chair was more than I could bear. Christmas was even harder. I got as far as decorating the mantel. The thought of opening the ornament box was too much. But we got through, a lot of tears and deep conservations were had. One thing my husband and I did was to be a secret Santa for the children the Lord led us to. One child was saved through my Eli, she had a plan but saw our devastation and paused long enough to seek help. It was purely incidental and a blessing. Giving to others helped shift our focus for the holidays. If you made it through, please share what helped you.
One more thing, I stopped therapy because I "had this". I was stuffing my emotions and was getting physically ill from it. I started therapy again not sure what I was going to talk about but I needed a safe place to cry and vent. So do you. We have a lifetime to walk this journey so please reach out and know you are not alone. Tomorrow needed our loved ones. Tomorrow needs you, too.
Nine months
It has been nine months by counting by weeks. We go to work and function a little better. I read that writing down everything leading up to and about the day of loss can be therapeutic. By putting in words on paper, you can let the grieve flow, remember the little details, and in my writing I apologized to my Eli for missing the signs. It is a safe place to put your thoughts, negative or positive, and to list all the questions you have. The idea is not to keep thinking of the day because you are afraid you will forget the little details. Reliving the trauma will only hinder healing. I found I can put that memory in the back and replace my first thought with a positive memory. Will you still cry- yes. Will it still hurt-yes. By writing, I am not worried about forgetting his last moments.
Another thing has occurred. You may have read that your friends and family may drift away. I did not think that would happen to us. Our friends literally walked through the fire with us. For reasons not told to us, they have distanced themselves. I believe we have changed but not for the worse. We are reserved now but also appreciate life so more much now. We are reaching out to the youth to help them with their emotions. Our focus has changed, I guess. It hurts to see friends pull away but God will bring the people you need at the time you need them. He has for us. If you experience this, please know it is not you. They may not know what to say to you, may think you will rub off on their children, or maybe the reality of how someone can be gone "just like that" is too much to handle. I hope one day our friendship can be restored when some time has passed.
As we approach the official nine-month mark calendar date- 4 days away-a little spark of life has flickered. Planning a getaway, even for one day, can give your mind a chance to relax. I battle headaches that I know are caused from daily stress. Luckily, we were able to go the beach so I could have a "mind rest". For the first time, I wanted to plan something for the future instead of just marking time each day. I, also, had time to think about a career change in which I could make a difference to others contemplating suicide. It felt good to have a positive thought for the future, but it also made me feel guilty. Shouldn't Eli passing stop me in my tracks and life should go on around me? I am pretty sure that's not healthy or that Eli would want that. I need to learn to live around the grief. I wrote this while on the beach. I believe it is a good analogy to the path ahead for all of us.
This is the footsteps (past) that lead me here (Eli leaving and changing me forever).
I will pause every day and remember my Eli.
The ocean is my future; I pray more days are coming when I can lift up my head and see the possibilities ahead of me; yes, there will be sandbars and waves I may get stuck in but his memory and love that is around me will help navigate.
Until I am on the other side with him.
Ten months
Grief has a way of stopping you in your tracks. We are two weeks away from the calendar date that will make it 11 months since I have seen Eli beautiful face. We are still cautiously moving forward with future plans, but the last few days have been rough. Eli's friends and nephew are turning 16. I want to celebrate with them. But it is also a stark reminder of what milestones he will miss. We are trying to figure out how to approach the celebrations. I cannot hide from everyone. Life should be enjoyed. You may find yourself in the same situation. There are no good answers or advice to get us and you through this. Follow your heart is all I can say. Instead of planning his 16th birthday I am ordering magnets for suicide awareness in his memory. My heart is breaking, and my mind is saying this isn't ok. For now, we will take each celebration one by one.
You may find yourself unthawing or feeling the numbing feeling of shock leaving. What is left is raw feelings and the reality this is real. Eli is not coming back. My mind knew this, but my heart lagged behind a bit. I know he cannot come back physically but I guess I was hoping his spirit would stay here. We have faith and believe Eli to be in heaven. Heaven is not fully understood so why couldn't he be in two places at once. Yes, he lives in my heart, but I miss seeing him, listening to him talk, and hugging him. In heaven, Eli is whole and healthy and is spending time with his grandpas and little brother and sister (they woke up in Jesus arms). I would never take that from him so that leaves me accepting this new normal. The tears have flowed for a few days, cries from the deepest parts of my heart have come many times. Grief is an expression of love. The ideal thing is to turn that love into action. It does not have to be a grand gesture but something to honor your loved one. I miss my son.
We made the decision to have Eli be an organ donor. I am a nurse and have called many times, but this was one of the hardest calls to make as a parent. Life Link was supportive and compassionate. Today we received a thank you note from one of the recipients. It broke my heart and I am not sure why. I am assuming it is just another reality check. The thought of someone being helped by Eli is overwhelming. It is a true picture of beauty from ashes. So, if you made this hard call and you receive a thank you note, cherish the moment you realize your loved one saved someone.
Eleven months
It has been eleven months since we hugged Eli. The reality weighs heavy on us. Easter marked our last first holiday without him. It also included an opportunity to share his story and give encouragement to others. East Forysth High School honored Eli, a teacher who passed, and their Sources of the Strength organization. It broke my heart to see so many broken teenagers. We are coming up on next week, Eli's first heaven day. I cannot wrap my mind around the celebration of life phrase. I will be sad on May 2. I will celebrate you on your birthday. We have decided to not be home on that day. For this year, it works for us. We are going to your favorite beach and remember our time there when things were good. The decision to be in the spot on the "day" is a personal one. Just listen to your heart. My husband finally spoke his heart. For eleven months he has been mulling over, trying to understand it all. I feel like I have been processing my emotions out loud since day one. Be kind to your family if they express their emotions differently or a different timeline.
Garden Dedication Speech
My heart is full as we gather at the sources of strength garden. My heart is full of love and hope for the students and teachers here. May this garden be a place of reflection and rest from daily busyness. My heart also aches for the reason for this garden. Losing a loved one, no matter how, is life changing. On May 2 of last year, my beautiful Eli, my papoose, went to heaven. He lost the battle with depression, anxiety, and negative self-image. So today, we dedicate a beautiful sanctuary amidst the pressures and busyness of high school. My prayer is that the students and teachers take a break and admire the beauty and find peace here. If peace cannot be found here, please reach out to a hand near you and they will help pull you from the darkness. Eli has taught me many things, even after his passing. I told him every day he was beautiful, wonderfully made, and worthy. I now say that to you, teens, and adults. You are someone’s favorite person and someone’s favorite smile. So, when the pressure is great and you need a break enjoy the simple beauty and know you are loved and valued. I will close with Eli’s last words to us. These words convey how Eli wanted to live but could not. He left these words for us so we could live the life he wanted. Live like the world is on fire, love like hearts don’t break, don’t look down when you walk the wire. Thank you.
My sources of strength plus hubby (at work)
The Eli Tree
May 2, 2023
It has been 365 days since you left. For those approaching your loved ones first Heaven Day, I have these words. Be somewhere that you feel safe, be with those that understand and let you cry and remember your child. The realization that your loved one is never coming back is very real, you can feel the sting of pain all over again. Follow your heart and if you can't be at home, find a place that may give you a sense of peace. Just don't be alone as you will undoubtedly relive that day. As for us, we went to the beach. The beach that he loved and only good memories live there. We had a sense of peace that is hard to describe. I ugly cried on the beach and my husband fished ALOT. But it was good and healthy for us. I finally had uninterrupted time to set with my grief and sort through the feelings I have been pushing down for a year. I went back to work, and you know, life happened whether we wanted it to or not. One year ago, at 546 pm my" before "ended and the "after" began. It has not been easy, but our faith has kept us afloat. Deep friendships have been forged and our marriage has much better communication skills. We try to live the way Eli wanted to live and tell his story so others may pause and ask for help. We have put love for our child into action. They say your grief is a measure of your love. Well, we loved Eli a lot. Hopefully, you have some footing now. Find a way to carry on their memory. Become an advocate, support an interest they had (sponsoring a youth sports team). Your heart will lead you to the right thing. We made it a year and assume we have many more so we will honor our son the best we can, one day at a time.
June 18, 2023
We have passed the year mark and are still standing. Now it is time to plan your second heavenly birthday. You will be 16. I never know how to phrase that. You left at 14 but I will always mark time for you. Your heaven day was subdued but I want your birthday to be your celebration of life. You were here and have left your mark on the world. You may be facing the first birthday without them. Once again, do what you feel comfortable with. We chose family and friends, your favorite meal, releasing messages to the heavens, and fireworks ( you loved to set them off). Every year the birthday will look different but the meaning will always be the same.
I have noticed the guilt phase tends to surface time and time again. Your brain likes to relive the should have dones and what if's. You have to give yourself grace. My son hid his suicidal thoughts very well. Eli taught me three things: Time is a gift, you never know when it will run out. So, make the most of your time with family. Everyone is important. Despite his own perceived failings he made sure others were heard and seen. Finally, the love for him will remain without him here on earth. It is very tough. Your loved one did not mean to pass on their pain. They do want us to live for them. It is up to us and you to figure out what that looks like. Please feel free to comment or share a thought.
July 27,2023
We are coming up on 15 months without you. It seems a lot longer since the one year. I have managed to be in the new normal and function.
Three people in one
The one others see...
I can say your name with a smile and not a tear
I can live my "new" normal without catching someone's eye
The one I want to be...
I make plans to bring beauty from ashes
I search for hope while guarding my heart from triggers
The true me...
I cry myself to sleep missing you
I scream you just can't be gone
I cling to any connection small or great that brings you closer to me
Three people...all me...
Eliforever14mom
Hopefully, you have found coping mechanisms to get through the day. I have learned to avoid some triggers. I wonder, will I avoid them forever? I also have realized I am grieving that I have no more children to raise with my husband. I enjoyed parenting with him and took it for granted. You may start to feel things that aren't related to the day of their passing but to things that we are forever separated from. I will never see him drive, graduate, marry, or have children. A story forever untold.
You may be feeling it's time to honor them in a lasting way. We do Eli bags, grateful bags, for the high school to use in the counseling office. Our dream is to make this project a foundation to support suicide prevention programs in the schools.
Our next thing is to represent Eli in the Be the light walk at the high school in September.
July 31, 2023
In a few days, it will be 15 months without you. It seems so much longer and yet at the same time like yesterday. The kids are returning to school this week. You would have been a junior. We would be looking at colleges and the military options. Once again, Erick and I have sponsored the same sweet teacher from last year. She teaches high school English. That was Eli's favorite subject. It was the perfect fit. So, as I checked off her list, I added Eli favorite coffee and candy. It is just a little way to make sure he knows we won't forget him.
I read a book recently with two thoughts I have hung on to. Our loved ones left a hole in our life. One that can't be filled with things, people, even your other children. Because God leaves it empty, it will be connection with them forever. A forever bond across the two veils. The other thought is, am I living to die or going to live until I die. Will I retreat into my grief and turn bitter and lonely, or will I step into each day trying to live how they wanted to live but could not due to mental illness. Will I honor and remember my child in small and great gestures? Will I share his life and the good memories but also, the lessons his life taught us?
Each day, each minute the answers to those questions can change. God doesn't change, God is still good, God is still here and most importantly God is with Eli.
August 2023
Finally had your celebration of life with family and friends. Butterflies and balloons were released and sweet memories recounted. Your favorite food was served and your music played. My prayer is that people remember you for your love, laughter, sense of humor, faith and generosity. And not the events of May 2, 2022. I know it may be difficult to do a celebration of life but it is worth it. People don't forget.
September 21, 2023
Dad and I did our first suicide awareness walk. We hiked the Raven Cliff trail just like you and I did a few years back. We took Dixie, our golden, with us. You would have loved her. The weather was perfect and old mom and dad did pretty good. It was the first of many to raise awareness for mental health. We did a virtual one. It was so easy. I paid, picked the 5K and had a time frame to complete it. I registered our results. You can pick your own spot to do a walk. I know some of the money goes to administration cost, but a majority goes to the cause. This cause was the support of the suicidal hotline. It is a wonderful and private way to remember your loved one and hopefully one life is saved at the same time.
September 26, 2023 at 720 am
I write this with a heavy heart. Just when I thought my heart could not be shattered anymore, Erick, Eli's dad, chose to go to heaven to be with him. No parent should lose a child to suicide, and no spouse should lose the other to suicide. The grief Erick felt was too heavy to lift and could not bear it any longer. We both did counseling, met with our preacher, and have a good support system. But in February, he lost his way. I am not making excuses for him. But he stopped asking for help, stopped reaching out. He stayed for me as long as he could. I am angry he left because he knew what it would do to me. We had those discussions. I am sad that yet another person went down the "tunnel" of lies and negative thinking. I guess what I am trying to convey is if you are having those thoughts and hiding them from your family, your spouse: DON'T!!! People need you even if you are only feeling like you are existing at the moment. The pain does not go away when you leave. It gets passed down. I now hold Eli pain, Erick pain, and the all the questions of why that won't be truly answered and forever ask myself what else could I have done. I know it is hard to grieve differently than your spouse. I may have looked like I had a handle on it to him, but I am still broken and just trying to live in this new normal. So now as I sit here and type, I am back to square one. Grieving Eli all over again because the last piece of him is gone and grieving my husband. This is not fair but my reality.
September 30, 2023
Today I said goodbye to you with family and friends, but the truth is I say it every morning when reality sets in. You both are gone, now what? 2 Timothy 1:7 states, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind.". I believe that and I believe Eli and Erick had that until they tried to fix themselves by themselves. Just like with Eli we believed Eli could see us. I hope you saw the difference you made in my life, our children's life. I know you are at peace and with my papoose but don't forget about me, save me a place on the beach in Heaven.
October 14, 2023
My heart hurts, its lonely and the house is too quiet. The rain clouds will not go away, guess they match my mood. As I ponder the now what question, I have decided to continue the Eli Project. Now more than ever it is needed. If the project can save one beautiful child, two parents can be saved. I realize I could not save my husband, but he stopped trying. The goal is to help them before that point with the Eli bags in schools and this site to help grieving parents to find a way out of the darkness. My husband did not leave because he did not love me, he did. He left because he allowed the grief to take over. I know too much grief, but I also know the pain has to stop somewhere. Even if I only "exist" until I find myself again, the cycle will stop. So, I urge you once again, don't hide your feelings or try to fix it yourself, there are people. If you need a person, I can be that person.
December 6, 2023
It has been 10 weeks and one day since I have lost my husband. It has been 18 months and 4 days since Eli left. I have to wonder how long I will count the week and days. The Christmas tree is up but not decorated yet. It is not getting any easier I have found out. The second one without Eli. I look at gifts and think he would like that and then I remember. I have put that love that I would have showered on him toward toy drives and secret Santa. My birthday was yesterday. The first one without Erick. My kids called but they do not live near me. So, it was lonely and isolating. The feeling of having no one to take time out of their day to celebrate you is a tough one. I went to bed early because their absence was too much to bear.
I have also experienced another layer of grief. I do not think it has anything to do with the holidays. It is the feeling of abandonment and separation. My beautiful Eli was so young and scared to death. As a mother, you cannot stay angry at your child and seek to understand them. But my husband, he knew how this would crush me. He saw me in pieces after Eli. I know the science of suicide and understand the grief was too much, but my heart doesn't. My heart says, "but what if...?". What if I would have woken Eli up that morning maybe I would have sensed something was wrong. What if I would have come back that morning from my commute to try to settle the anger in him? I will never have those answers and if I allow it, those questions will eat me up.
Why am I bearing my soul to you? I believe I am not the only one that feels this way. These are my feelings, and you may have the same or different ones that you don't share. You and I hide behind our masks and hope someone will see the cracks and help us. So, this holiday season (and it is so long) my love and prayers are with you. I pray for strength for us and some joy to be had amidst all the sorrow. I will have joy this coming weekend when I see my kids and grandkids. It will bring happiness to see them open their gifts and see them being loved on. But when I return home, who will celebrate me and make sure I am loved on? My faith will fill the gap but my heart just wants my youngest and husband so l will get through step by step. So please don't hide your feelings, let them out so you can see the joy around you. I do not want to scare or burden my kids with some of my thoughts, but I journal, go to counseling, find a safe friend to bear my soul to. It is not easy. If you don't have that person, I can be that person. Please reach out, because we need to choose a different path to stop the pain that is left after a suicide. Merry Christmas, you are seen, you are known, and you are loved.
June 28, 2024
It has been six months and 22 days since I have updated on now my solo journey. Christmas, New year's, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Eli second heaven day and 9 months since Erick left. So many holidays and special moments that have been challenging, sad and even avoided. For those new to this new normal, do what you want to do on the special days. If it's being alone, it is okay. Tears detoxify our bodies of the grief that we can succomb to.
I am not sure when it happened, but grief turned a corner into the light, into the feeling I want to live. I found my mama's heart again. After losing Eli, I was very reserved with my own kids and grandkids and especially the kids at church. But when I did VBS this year, I was able to connect with the teenagers and enjoy the little ones. I took road trips with my children and grandchildren. I even was able to be with them on Eli's birthday. I usually isolate myself.
I have found out that time does not heal but gives space to grieve, to remember the soft memories, to want to live again. I will miss Eli with every step I take into a new adventure or family get together. I will miss how Erick loved us all so well. But dear person on this journey there is hope. There will always be a trigger or a new wave of grief but have hope it does lessen. They were a part of us or who made us the person we are now so they will never be forgotten.
July 17, 2024
I have come to a realization. I have found a metaphor that describes most of us. For three years, I was in the dusk. I was trying to help my child overcome his anxiety and depression. I was racing home from work with him on the phone with the fear of finding him gone. I had sleepless nights watching my child sleep and asking why is a child in so much mental pain? Then the unimaginable happened, I was plunged into the darkness night. My husband and I lost each other as we fell deeper and deeper into the night. Then Erick was consumed by the night, I was alone with God fighting the demons of the night. I was there for 14 months. Then daybreak started to come, I am not sure what the exact thing that happened to bring it on. I do know the will to live for others, to honor Erick and Eli, to not make it a family tragedy, and my faith were involved. Now every morning, I am wanting to live. I want to live for me. I want to live for the purpose God has for me. Is it easy all the time? No.
So, whether you are in the dusk, darkness night, or seeing daybreak please know you are not alone. In the dusk, others are there with you hoping someone can help. In the night, others are there with you. In the daybreak, others are there to cheer you on.
August 17, 2024
The key to living in the after for me, is to find peace with who I was and who I am. I am forever entangled with the before and after. The Eli bags are nearing the 500 bag mark. That means 500 children and adults will be given a tool to find their way out of tunnel into the light. Though Eli is not here by my side, he is in my heart making a difference.
So, as your days go by one by one, find that peace within you. The peace that blends the love for them and the reality of today.
The first week
The days blended into another. Planning the services took up a lot of time. My children came in from the Midwest and I busied myself with taking care of them, so I thought. The reality was prayers, the children and friends carried us. The only words I had were tears. Psalm 56:8 states: "You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in your Book?" (NKJV). A friend of Eli's put it this way: "Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can't speak". Beautifully said. But I was able to pray and write this letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
My son, my papoose is with you now
Too soon for my heart
I was not done being his mom
Here are some instructions 'till I get there
Tell him is beautiful, wonderfully made, and worthy every day
Hug him even if he rolls his eyes
Cover him with prayers of peace and joy
Ask him about his day so he knows his world matters
Tuck him in with his favorite blanket (the soft one)
Have plenty of cereal for his late-night snacks
Look into his eyes and tell him morning, noon, and night he is loved
Hold my son until I can
The second week
I remember crying a lot. This is when the why got to me, so I searched for any information. The reading list will be a great resource when you are ready. Doing the basics was my goal, eat, drink, shower, and take medicine. You need to take care of yourself first. If you don’t, you will not have the strength to care for others. Treat yourself like you treat your best friend!
The third week
The thought of you not being here was settling in. It settled into the deepest part of my soul. I have never felt an ache so deep. The thoughts of wanting to be with you instead of here were getting more frequent. I will be honest; it was a struggle some days. If someone offered me a magic pill that would take me to you, I would have taken it. But then I realized I need to be thankful for what I have. We have five healthy adult children, five grandbabies, and our mothers and siblings. A huge part of us went with Eli. A part that will not be whole until we are reunited. Even knowing that, the desire to have you back was overwhelming. What are some ways to release the emotions without creating another tragedy? Journal, get those feelings out. Talk, sometimes just saying it out loud will make you rethink your decision. Pray, yes God allowed this tragedy, but He is the only one who knows why. Though you may feel angry, life has no purpose, you still woke up today, so you have a purpose.
*When you left you took a part of mom and dad with you...
The best parts I fear...
What is left is mom and dad...
Sad, broken and searching for our path...
Time will heal
Family love will put us back together...
But we won't be the same...
A far-off look with thoughts of you
Wishing you were here on our adventures...
We won't act the same...
A little more fearless...
Much more appreciative of every little thing.
The pieces of our hearts don't perfectly fit...
God's strength and love will fill in the gaps.
When you left...
You left behind your love, memories, empathy for others...
Those things will give us strength until the day...
We hold you in heaven...
Our hearts missing piece.
One month
I had to go back to work. It was not easy. My husband was not able to for six months. I was lucky and had support and great co-workers. But I started off slow and did not do extra shifts. I cried a lot in the bathroom but I got through it. I noticed I would shake and have anxiety walking off the elevator to start my shift. I was having separation anxiety from my husband, from my safe zone, and the place I felt the closest to my son. We were getting used to the new normal: dinner for two, no more drives to school, and the QUIET. We turned to our faith to for answers, for strength, and for understanding. I pray you have a good support system but if not find your person you can rely on to be there. A person that will not turn away as you talk about your loved one. If you have a spouse, you may not be grieving the same way. I referred to it as parallel grieving. We took turns being strong for each other. I focused on my "Eli" garden and husband lost himself in watching you tube fishing videos and fishing.
Six months
The mental fog began to lift. The reality of that person not being there is overwhelming. I had started Elijah's Garden Facebook page to have a healing place for my thoughts. My memories of Elijah would pop up at random times. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I smiled. Your thoughts will drift to memories and the details of their death will not be so prominent in your thinking. You may wonder why others did not remember that it had been six months. I know I did. Life moves on and if you are "living" your new norm, others may think you are okay. Just remember it is ok "not to be ok". I planted more flowers in his garden on the six month anniversary. Find a way to remember your love one and try not to focus that you were the only one who remembered.
Eight months
It has been the longest eight months and the shortest. I still see Eli in the kitchen the night before he died getting cereal and laughing with his friends. I thought, oh good we have turned the corner, I was wrong. Thanksgiving was hard and the empty chair was more than I could bear. Christmas was even harder. I got as far as decorating the mantel. The thought of opening the ornament box was too much. But we got through, a lot of tears and deep conservations were had. One thing my husband and I did was to be a secret Santa for the children the Lord led us to. One child was saved through my Eli, she had a plan but saw our devastation and paused long enough to seek help. It was purely incidental and a blessing. Giving to others helped shift our focus for the holidays. If you made it through, please share what helped you.
One more thing, I stopped therapy because I "had this". I was stuffing my emotions and was getting physically ill from it. I started therapy again not sure what I was going to talk about but I needed a safe place to cry and vent. So do you. We have a lifetime to walk this journey so please reach out and know you are not alone. Tomorrow needed our loved ones. Tomorrow needs you, too.
Nine months
It has been nine months by counting by weeks. We go to work and function a little better. I read that writing down everything leading up to and about the day of loss can be therapeutic. By putting in words on paper, you can let the grieve flow, remember the little details, and in my writing I apologized to my Eli for missing the signs. It is a safe place to put your thoughts, negative or positive, and to list all the questions you have. The idea is not to keep thinking of the day because you are afraid you will forget the little details. Reliving the trauma will only hinder healing. I found I can put that memory in the back and replace my first thought with a positive memory. Will you still cry- yes. Will it still hurt-yes. By writing, I am not worried about forgetting his last moments.
Another thing has occurred. You may have read that your friends and family may drift away. I did not think that would happen to us. Our friends literally walked through the fire with us. For reasons not told to us, they have distanced themselves. I believe we have changed but not for the worse. We are reserved now but also appreciate life so more much now. We are reaching out to the youth to help them with their emotions. Our focus has changed, I guess. It hurts to see friends pull away but God will bring the people you need at the time you need them. He has for us. If you experience this, please know it is not you. They may not know what to say to you, may think you will rub off on their children, or maybe the reality of how someone can be gone "just like that" is too much to handle. I hope one day our friendship can be restored when some time has passed.
As we approach the official nine-month mark calendar date- 4 days away-a little spark of life has flickered. Planning a getaway, even for one day, can give your mind a chance to relax. I battle headaches that I know are caused from daily stress. Luckily, we were able to go the beach so I could have a "mind rest". For the first time, I wanted to plan something for the future instead of just marking time each day. I, also, had time to think about a career change in which I could make a difference to others contemplating suicide. It felt good to have a positive thought for the future, but it also made me feel guilty. Shouldn't Eli passing stop me in my tracks and life should go on around me? I am pretty sure that's not healthy or that Eli would want that. I need to learn to live around the grief. I wrote this while on the beach. I believe it is a good analogy to the path ahead for all of us.
This is the footsteps (past) that lead me here (Eli leaving and changing me forever).
I will pause every day and remember my Eli.
The ocean is my future; I pray more days are coming when I can lift up my head and see the possibilities ahead of me; yes, there will be sandbars and waves I may get stuck in but his memory and love that is around me will help navigate.
Until I am on the other side with him.
Ten monthsGrief has a way of stopping you in your tracks. We are two weeks away from the calendar date that will make it 11 months since I have seen Eli beautiful face. We are still cautiously moving forward with future plans, but the last few days have been rough. Eli's friends and nephew are turning 16. I want to celebrate with them. But it is also a stark reminder of what milestones he will miss. We are trying to figure out how to approach the celebrations. I cannot hide from everyone. Life should be enjoyed. You may find yourself in the same situation. There are no good answers or advice to get us and you through this. Follow your heart is all I can say. Instead of planning his 16th birthday I am ordering magnets for suicide awareness in his memory. My heart is breaking, and my mind is saying this isn't ok. For now, we will take each celebration one by one.
You may find yourself unthawing or feeling the numbing feeling of shock leaving. What is left is raw feelings and the reality this is real. Eli is not coming back. My mind knew this, but my heart lagged behind a bit. I know he cannot come back physically but I guess I was hoping his spirit would stay here. We have faith and believe Eli to be in heaven. Heaven is not fully understood so why couldn't he be in two places at once. Yes, he lives in my heart, but I miss seeing him, listening to him talk, and hugging him. In heaven, Eli is whole and healthy and is spending time with his grandpas and little brother and sister (they woke up in Jesus arms). I would never take that from him so that leaves me accepting this new normal. The tears have flowed for a few days, cries from the deepest parts of my heart have come many times. Grief is an expression of love. The ideal thing is to turn that love into action. It does not have to be a grand gesture but something to honor your loved one. I miss my son.
We made the decision to have Eli be an organ donor. I am a nurse and have called many times, but this was one of the hardest calls to make as a parent. Life Link was supportive and compassionate. Today we received a thank you note from one of the recipients. It broke my heart and I am not sure why. I am assuming it is just another reality check. The thought of someone being helped by Eli is overwhelming. It is a true picture of beauty from ashes. So, if you made this hard call and you receive a thank you note, cherish the moment you realize your loved one saved someone.
Eleven months
It has been eleven months since we hugged Eli. The reality weighs heavy on us. Easter marked our last first holiday without him. It also included an opportunity to share his story and give encouragement to others. East Forysth High School honored Eli, a teacher who passed, and their Sources of the Strength organization. It broke my heart to see so many broken teenagers. We are coming up on next week, Eli's first heaven day. I cannot wrap my mind around the celebration of life phrase. I will be sad on May 2. I will celebrate you on your birthday. We have decided to not be home on that day. For this year, it works for us. We are going to your favorite beach and remember our time there when things were good. The decision to be in the spot on the "day" is a personal one. Just listen to your heart. My husband finally spoke his heart. For eleven months he has been mulling over, trying to understand it all. I feel like I have been processing my emotions out loud since day one. Be kind to your family if they express their emotions differently or a different timeline.
Garden Dedication Speech
My heart is full as we gather at the sources of strength garden. My heart is full of love and hope for the students and teachers here. May this garden be a place of reflection and rest from daily busyness. My heart also aches for the reason for this garden. Losing a loved one, no matter how, is life changing. On May 2 of last year, my beautiful Eli, my papoose, went to heaven. He lost the battle with depression, anxiety, and negative self-image. So today, we dedicate a beautiful sanctuary amidst the pressures and busyness of high school. My prayer is that the students and teachers take a break and admire the beauty and find peace here. If peace cannot be found here, please reach out to a hand near you and they will help pull you from the darkness. Eli has taught me many things, even after his passing. I told him every day he was beautiful, wonderfully made, and worthy. I now say that to you, teens, and adults. You are someone’s favorite person and someone’s favorite smile. So, when the pressure is great and you need a break enjoy the simple beauty and know you are loved and valued. I will close with Eli’s last words to us. These words convey how Eli wanted to live but could not. He left these words for us so we could live the life he wanted. Live like the world is on fire, love like hearts don’t break, don’t look down when you walk the wire. Thank you.
My sources of strength plus hubby (at work)
The Eli TreeMay 2, 2023
It has been 365 days since you left. For those approaching your loved ones first Heaven Day, I have these words. Be somewhere that you feel safe, be with those that understand and let you cry and remember your child. The realization that your loved one is never coming back is very real, you can feel the sting of pain all over again. Follow your heart and if you can't be at home, find a place that may give you a sense of peace. Just don't be alone as you will undoubtedly relive that day. As for us, we went to the beach. The beach that he loved and only good memories live there. We had a sense of peace that is hard to describe. I ugly cried on the beach and my husband fished ALOT. But it was good and healthy for us. I finally had uninterrupted time to set with my grief and sort through the feelings I have been pushing down for a year. I went back to work, and you know, life happened whether we wanted it to or not. One year ago, at 546 pm my" before "ended and the "after" began. It has not been easy, but our faith has kept us afloat. Deep friendships have been forged and our marriage has much better communication skills. We try to live the way Eli wanted to live and tell his story so others may pause and ask for help. We have put love for our child into action. They say your grief is a measure of your love. Well, we loved Eli a lot. Hopefully, you have some footing now. Find a way to carry on their memory. Become an advocate, support an interest they had (sponsoring a youth sports team). Your heart will lead you to the right thing. We made it a year and assume we have many more so we will honor our son the best we can, one day at a time.
June 18, 2023
We have passed the year mark and are still standing. Now it is time to plan your second heavenly birthday. You will be 16. I never know how to phrase that. You left at 14 but I will always mark time for you. Your heaven day was subdued but I want your birthday to be your celebration of life. You were here and have left your mark on the world. You may be facing the first birthday without them. Once again, do what you feel comfortable with. We chose family and friends, your favorite meal, releasing messages to the heavens, and fireworks ( you loved to set them off). Every year the birthday will look different but the meaning will always be the same.
I have noticed the guilt phase tends to surface time and time again. Your brain likes to relive the should have dones and what if's. You have to give yourself grace. My son hid his suicidal thoughts very well. Eli taught me three things: Time is a gift, you never know when it will run out. So, make the most of your time with family. Everyone is important. Despite his own perceived failings he made sure others were heard and seen. Finally, the love for him will remain without him here on earth. It is very tough. Your loved one did not mean to pass on their pain. They do want us to live for them. It is up to us and you to figure out what that looks like. Please feel free to comment or share a thought.
July 27,2023
We are coming up on 15 months without you. It seems a lot longer since the one year. I have managed to be in the new normal and function.
Three people in one
The one others see...
I can say your name with a smile and not a tear
I can live my "new" normal without catching someone's eye
The one I want to be...
I make plans to bring beauty from ashes
I search for hope while guarding my heart from triggers
The true me...
I cry myself to sleep missing you
I scream you just can't be gone
I cling to any connection small or great that brings you closer to me
Three people...all me...
Eliforever14mom
Hopefully, you have found coping mechanisms to get through the day. I have learned to avoid some triggers. I wonder, will I avoid them forever? I also have realized I am grieving that I have no more children to raise with my husband. I enjoyed parenting with him and took it for granted. You may start to feel things that aren't related to the day of their passing but to things that we are forever separated from. I will never see him drive, graduate, marry, or have children. A story forever untold.
You may be feeling it's time to honor them in a lasting way. We do Eli bags, grateful bags, for the high school to use in the counseling office. Our dream is to make this project a foundation to support suicide prevention programs in the schools.
Our next thing is to represent Eli in the Be the light walk at the high school in September.
July 31, 2023
In a few days, it will be 15 months without you. It seems so much longer and yet at the same time like yesterday. The kids are returning to school this week. You would have been a junior. We would be looking at colleges and the military options. Once again, Erick and I have sponsored the same sweet teacher from last year. She teaches high school English. That was Eli's favorite subject. It was the perfect fit. So, as I checked off her list, I added Eli favorite coffee and candy. It is just a little way to make sure he knows we won't forget him.
I read a book recently with two thoughts I have hung on to. Our loved ones left a hole in our life. One that can't be filled with things, people, even your other children. Because God leaves it empty, it will be connection with them forever. A forever bond across the two veils. The other thought is, am I living to die or going to live until I die. Will I retreat into my grief and turn bitter and lonely, or will I step into each day trying to live how they wanted to live but could not due to mental illness. Will I honor and remember my child in small and great gestures? Will I share his life and the good memories but also, the lessons his life taught us?
Each day, each minute the answers to those questions can change. God doesn't change, God is still good, God is still here and most importantly God is with Eli.
August 2023
Finally had your celebration of life with family and friends. Butterflies and balloons were released and sweet memories recounted. Your favorite food was served and your music played. My prayer is that people remember you for your love, laughter, sense of humor, faith and generosity. And not the events of May 2, 2022. I know it may be difficult to do a celebration of life but it is worth it. People don't forget.
September 21, 2023
Dad and I did our first suicide awareness walk. We hiked the Raven Cliff trail just like you and I did a few years back. We took Dixie, our golden, with us. You would have loved her. The weather was perfect and old mom and dad did pretty good. It was the first of many to raise awareness for mental health. We did a virtual one. It was so easy. I paid, picked the 5K and had a time frame to complete it. I registered our results. You can pick your own spot to do a walk. I know some of the money goes to administration cost, but a majority goes to the cause. This cause was the support of the suicidal hotline. It is a wonderful and private way to remember your loved one and hopefully one life is saved at the same time.
September 26, 2023 at 720 am
I write this with a heavy heart. Just when I thought my heart could not be shattered anymore, Erick, Eli's dad, chose to go to heaven to be with him. No parent should lose a child to suicide, and no spouse should lose the other to suicide. The grief Erick felt was too heavy to lift and could not bear it any longer. We both did counseling, met with our preacher, and have a good support system. But in February, he lost his way. I am not making excuses for him. But he stopped asking for help, stopped reaching out. He stayed for me as long as he could. I am angry he left because he knew what it would do to me. We had those discussions. I am sad that yet another person went down the "tunnel" of lies and negative thinking. I guess what I am trying to convey is if you are having those thoughts and hiding them from your family, your spouse: DON'T!!! People need you even if you are only feeling like you are existing at the moment. The pain does not go away when you leave. It gets passed down. I now hold Eli pain, Erick pain, and the all the questions of why that won't be truly answered and forever ask myself what else could I have done. I know it is hard to grieve differently than your spouse. I may have looked like I had a handle on it to him, but I am still broken and just trying to live in this new normal. So now as I sit here and type, I am back to square one. Grieving Eli all over again because the last piece of him is gone and grieving my husband. This is not fair but my reality.
September 30, 2023
Today I said goodbye to you with family and friends, but the truth is I say it every morning when reality sets in. You both are gone, now what? 2 Timothy 1:7 states, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind.". I believe that and I believe Eli and Erick had that until they tried to fix themselves by themselves. Just like with Eli we believed Eli could see us. I hope you saw the difference you made in my life, our children's life. I know you are at peace and with my papoose but don't forget about me, save me a place on the beach in Heaven.
October 14, 2023
My heart hurts, its lonely and the house is too quiet. The rain clouds will not go away, guess they match my mood. As I ponder the now what question, I have decided to continue the Eli Project. Now more than ever it is needed. If the project can save one beautiful child, two parents can be saved. I realize I could not save my husband, but he stopped trying. The goal is to help them before that point with the Eli bags in schools and this site to help grieving parents to find a way out of the darkness. My husband did not leave because he did not love me, he did. He left because he allowed the grief to take over. I know too much grief, but I also know the pain has to stop somewhere. Even if I only "exist" until I find myself again, the cycle will stop. So, I urge you once again, don't hide your feelings or try to fix it yourself, there are people. If you need a person, I can be that person.
December 6, 2023
It has been 10 weeks and one day since I have lost my husband. It has been 18 months and 4 days since Eli left. I have to wonder how long I will count the week and days. The Christmas tree is up but not decorated yet. It is not getting any easier I have found out. The second one without Eli. I look at gifts and think he would like that and then I remember. I have put that love that I would have showered on him toward toy drives and secret Santa. My birthday was yesterday. The first one without Erick. My kids called but they do not live near me. So, it was lonely and isolating. The feeling of having no one to take time out of their day to celebrate you is a tough one. I went to bed early because their absence was too much to bear.
I have also experienced another layer of grief. I do not think it has anything to do with the holidays. It is the feeling of abandonment and separation. My beautiful Eli was so young and scared to death. As a mother, you cannot stay angry at your child and seek to understand them. But my husband, he knew how this would crush me. He saw me in pieces after Eli. I know the science of suicide and understand the grief was too much, but my heart doesn't. My heart says, "but what if...?". What if I would have woken Eli up that morning maybe I would have sensed something was wrong. What if I would have come back that morning from my commute to try to settle the anger in him? I will never have those answers and if I allow it, those questions will eat me up.
Why am I bearing my soul to you? I believe I am not the only one that feels this way. These are my feelings, and you may have the same or different ones that you don't share. You and I hide behind our masks and hope someone will see the cracks and help us. So, this holiday season (and it is so long) my love and prayers are with you. I pray for strength for us and some joy to be had amidst all the sorrow. I will have joy this coming weekend when I see my kids and grandkids. It will bring happiness to see them open their gifts and see them being loved on. But when I return home, who will celebrate me and make sure I am loved on? My faith will fill the gap but my heart just wants my youngest and husband so l will get through step by step. So please don't hide your feelings, let them out so you can see the joy around you. I do not want to scare or burden my kids with some of my thoughts, but I journal, go to counseling, find a safe friend to bear my soul to. It is not easy. If you don't have that person, I can be that person. Please reach out, because we need to choose a different path to stop the pain that is left after a suicide. Merry Christmas, you are seen, you are known, and you are loved.
June 28, 2024
It has been six months and 22 days since I have updated on now my solo journey. Christmas, New year's, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Eli second heaven day and 9 months since Erick left. So many holidays and special moments that have been challenging, sad and even avoided. For those new to this new normal, do what you want to do on the special days. If it's being alone, it is okay. Tears detoxify our bodies of the grief that we can succomb to.
I am not sure when it happened, but grief turned a corner into the light, into the feeling I want to live. I found my mama's heart again. After losing Eli, I was very reserved with my own kids and grandkids and especially the kids at church. But when I did VBS this year, I was able to connect with the teenagers and enjoy the little ones. I took road trips with my children and grandchildren. I even was able to be with them on Eli's birthday. I usually isolate myself.
I have found out that time does not heal but gives space to grieve, to remember the soft memories, to want to live again. I will miss Eli with every step I take into a new adventure or family get together. I will miss how Erick loved us all so well. But dear person on this journey there is hope. There will always be a trigger or a new wave of grief but have hope it does lessen. They were a part of us or who made us the person we are now so they will never be forgotten.
July 17, 2024
I have come to a realization. I have found a metaphor that describes most of us. For three years, I was in the dusk. I was trying to help my child overcome his anxiety and depression. I was racing home from work with him on the phone with the fear of finding him gone. I had sleepless nights watching my child sleep and asking why is a child in so much mental pain? Then the unimaginable happened, I was plunged into the darkness night. My husband and I lost each other as we fell deeper and deeper into the night. Then Erick was consumed by the night, I was alone with God fighting the demons of the night. I was there for 14 months. Then daybreak started to come, I am not sure what the exact thing that happened to bring it on. I do know the will to live for others, to honor Erick and Eli, to not make it a family tragedy, and my faith were involved. Now every morning, I am wanting to live. I want to live for me. I want to live for the purpose God has for me. Is it easy all the time? No.
So, whether you are in the dusk, darkness night, or seeing daybreak please know you are not alone. In the dusk, others are there with you hoping someone can help. In the night, others are there with you. In the daybreak, others are there to cheer you on.
August 17, 2024
The key to living in the after for me, is to find peace with who I was and who I am. I am forever entangled with the before and after. The Eli bags are nearing the 500 bag mark. That means 500 children and adults will be given a tool to find their way out of tunnel into the light. Though Eli is not here by my side, he is in my heart making a difference.
So, as your days go by one by one, find that peace within you. The peace that blends the love for them and the reality of today.
On this side of heaven
Losing a loved one, especially to suicide, is one of the hardest things a person can go through. You will never get over it. But how do live through it? How do find the will to survive when quite frankly there are times you want to die?
I will attempt to put into words how Erick and I are still here. Yes, we have five beautiful children and five grandchildren. But when Eli left us, a piece of us went with him. We have a missing piece in our hearts that will never mend, and we are shattered. For awhile, we lived for the children, grandchildren, and family. We did not want this to turn into a family tragedy. We are discovering that every morning we wake up we have still have a purpose. We are trying to find meaning out of his death. I refer it to beauty from ashes, hence The Eli Project.
We had our dark days, and we have many years ahead of us. How do you recognize your grieving is a warning sign? There are some red flags. If you see them in yourselves or those around you, please do not hesitate to call for help. The suicide prevention line is 988!
Here are some warning signs:
*Not being able to engage with family
*Not eating/drinking
*Feeling hopeless
*Thinking family would be better off without you
*The desire to be with your loved one turns into thoughts of suicide and you make a plan
This is hard, it takes time (a lifetime) to learn to live without them, but I was told this and now I am accepting this, "He wanted us to live for him, to have the life his depression and anxiety stole from him.". NOT easy to do but if I wake up every morning it must be true.
There is no shame in getting counseling or using prescribed medication to find your new normal bearable.
I feel like I am rambling, sorry. I just want to impress on you, you are still here. Yes, we want to be with our loved one and one day we will. But until then, live each day for them. I am starting to understand that, but I believe Eli wanted us to live, love, and be brave. I will share later how we know this. But tonight, or today, whenever you read this, take a deep breath and tell your loved one you love them and pray for a direction for the day. Prayer gives us legs to walk on this side of heaven.
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